Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Lonely and Empty, Indirectly Proportional

Lonely.

It's always been to loneliness, for what I faced.

Pernah ngga sih, lo ngerasa ada saat dimana lo ngerasa empty―kosong, di dalam kesendirian.

Rasanya aneh, percampuran antara kekosongan dan kesepian. I don't know how to put those feelings in words. Rasanya seakan dunia berputar begitu lambat, dan kita dituntut untuk melaluinya dengan cepat. I don't know what I'm saying, which is really weird.



Just like that

Terkadang gue berpikir, apa cuma gue doang yang ngerasa kayak begini? Gue liat temen-temen gue, semuanya happy, sibuk dengan dunia mereka masing-masing, hangout bareng, ketawa bareng, dan mengabiskan waktu mereka dengan teman dekat.


So, this is how it feel to be lonely---black and blank.

Kamu ngga tau harus ngapain, harus bagaimana, dan kamu hanya bisa memandang kosong ke udara. Sesekali bertanya pada diri sendiri, how can I get out of this all?


Terkadang, kamu bingung. Bingung, kepada siapa harus menceritakan keluh kesah, gundah hati, dan perasaan kamu. Karena orang-orang hanya menganggap kamu itu udara. Nyata, tetapi tidak terlihat. 



Orang-orang hanya sadar akan keberadaan kamu di saat mereka membutuhkan sesuatu. Di saat seperti itu, mereka menganggap kamu penting. Dan di saat semuanya selesai, komunikasi itu pun ikut selesai. Secepat mereka datang.



When you feel lonely, you just want to be alone. With silence. You don't know what to do. Just, stand still. Sometimes, you might feel the urge to cry, but the tears can't out. Only silent sobs. And no one gives you a shoulder.


When you feel empty, you just wondering. How do you get out of this emptiness? What should you do? Why if people still not aware of your appearance? And other negative thoughts will fulfill your minds.


Sedih, memang. But I reassure you, I through this too, I feel this too many often and still. I believe, I will find someone who clicks me. Someday. There must be still a chance for me, for us, to get out of this all.


all the time

.
.
.
.
.
It's just about the time that you'll find better days.





Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Fake People?

Hello peeps!

I have no current activities, so yeah, I might spend my time on this blog sharing my thoughts from a deep mind /what/

Okay, akhir-akhir ini gue ngga punya kegiatan penting. Jadi, kerjaan gue di rumah cuma doing housework, reading novels, thinking, thinking, thinking, and sometimes, daydreaming.

Selama kelas sembilan ini, gue banyak berpikir. Gue mulai berubah. Berubah dalam arti kata bertransisi. Dan sekarang, dengan bergaul dengan banyak teman dan karakter yang berbeda-beda, gue bisa menyimpulkan mana diantara mereka yang real dan yang fake.

Yah, mungkin karena gue sudah menjalani hidup 3 tahun di SMP, berganti-ganti kelas, teman, dengan karakter mereka masing-masing. And I just realized, that I have no real friends.

Bisa dikatakan gue punya banyak teman dan kenalan di sekolah. Gue tipe orang yang pendiam, semua orang bilang gue pendiam. Padahal sebenernya sih ngga. Gue malah ngga suka dan udah merasa jenuh dibilang begitu. Dan rata-rata orang yang bilang begitu ke gue adalah orang yang ngga terlalu deket dan jarang ngobrol sama gue. Lagian, hellooo, kita jarang ngobrol jadi why you consider me as the quiet one?

Well, disini gue mulai tau mana orang yang hanya gunain gue di saat mereka butuh sesuatu tapi nganggep gue ngga ada di saat mereka ngga butuh. Those people are really piss me off.

Gue ngerasa kayak ban serep, digunain pas dibutuhin doang. Kalo ngga butuh, yaudah, dianggep ngga ada.

And there are also some people, dimana saat mereka curhat, gue mendengarkan dengan antusias, bahkan memberikan solusi buat mereka, panjang lebar, kali tinggi. Di saat gue curhat? Yaudah, mereka denger ogah-ogahan, boro-boro ngasih solusi. 

Gue butuh teman curhat, teman yang bisa gue mintain pendapat, teman yang ada di saat gue butuh mereka, bukan cuma ada pas di saat mereka butuh gue.

Gue malah lebih sering asyik bermain dengan pikiran-pikiran gue, dan mungkin, itu sebabnya orang bilang gue pendiam. Sebenarnya, bukannya pendiam, ya cuma kalau gue ngomong selalu dikacangin, ya mending gue ngomong sama diri gue sendiri.

Iya, gue tau gue aneh. Bukan cuma itu aja sebab gue jadi pendiam. Semenjak remaja, ngga tau kenapa gue ngga punya self-confidence. Untuk keluar rumah aja, gue ngga punya rasa percaya diri, apalagi untuk ngobrol sama orang. Gue jadi kayak orang yang anti-social. 

Bahkan, pernah gue ngerasa males buat ke sekolah karena harus berinteraksi sama orang. Gue bahkan berpikir untuk punya private class, dimana muridnya cuma gue doang. Kalau gue anak Will Smith, jelas bisa. Bahkan gue bakal dateng ke sekolah naik jet (ini apa banget dah HAHA). "Sepi dong, ngga ada yang diajak ngobrol?" Yah, keadaannya sama aja kalau di kelas ada 30 orang, tapi gue tetep ngerasa 'sendiri'.

Mungkin gue sudah memasuki dunia misanthrope??? Yaa, bisa dibilang begitu. 

Gue masih stick sama temen lama gue, temen gue sejak TK dan SD, dimana pas gue ngobrol sama mereka, gue ngerasa nyaman dan nyambung. 

Well, mungkin ini cuma gue doang yang ngga mudah bergaul. Gue udah mencoba buat berinteraksi. Tapi ya begitu, no one wants to talk with me. Yaudahlah, kembali ke diri gue sendiri lagi.

But still, I feel so lonely.



Saturday, May 10, 2014

A LITTLE PIECE OF NATIONAL EXAM

HELLO EVS!

Ok, I just finished this important and memorable test in my whole junior school's life. Yeah, National Exam aka Ujian Nasional.

How was my National Exam going? Well, don't ask me about this. I'm shaking you know. SHAKING. My heart crying and screaming. During MATH.

Iya sih, pas awal-awal soalnya masih mudah. Pas masuk ke nomor 20 ke bawah,
.
.
.
.
.
I almost lost my breath. Especially for the 21th question. Yes, soal PISA. Soal Internasional. Yang paragraf pertamanya panjang banget, dan pertanyaannya cuma sebaris.

baca soalnya aja udah kenyang-_-





"Subhanallah," cuma bisa bilang begitu.

30 menit sebelum bel, gue belum selesai ngerjain. Temen di depan gue udah nangis. Gue mikir, apa yang bikin soal puas udah bikin kita nangis, kalang kabut, ngerjain soal? Gue rasa perlu dipikir lagi memasukkan soal yang semacam itu ke dalam Ujian Nasioanal, yang jelas ngga ada di SKL.



mungkin ini sneak-peek dari munculnya soal Internasional di UN

Kalau memang nyatanya Indonesia berada di urutan tingkat ke 2 paling bawah kemampuan matematika dan sains, bukan begitu caranya, dengan tiba-tiba memasukan soal yang jelas belum kita ketahui dan kita kuasai. Seharusnya, sistem pembeljarannya yang harus diperbaiki.



Well, sebenernya cuma mau mengeluarkan uneg-uneg yang ngga bisa disampaikan secara langsung kepada orang lain, yeah because i have no friends.

Cuma bisa tawakal dan berdoa, semoga hasilnya sesuai dengan yang diharapkan. Aamiin.




cheerio! x




Wednesday, April 30, 2014

holla!

well, i told you guys that i'll write something after the national exam, but i can't handle these feelings that i want to share with y'all.

first of all, i want to ask you guys something. have you ever felt upset or clueless or hopeless? 

have you guys ever felt this feeling when you want something, and it feels like the distance is far, far, far away from you? well, i feel this a lot. this might be called upset.

when you have something, and you don't know what to do with that thing. maybe i can call that as clueless.

you put a lot of efforts for the things you want most and when you get closer with that, something bad happened. and all your dreams vanished away. this is how hopeless felt.

i feel like, i get lost in the forest, and i don't even know way back to home. i don't recognize myself anymore. i just think that the 'old' myself was already gone. away.


sometimes, i cry. almost a river. i can't stand these feelings, that really wants me to break myself into pieces. 

no one listen your words, no one recognize you, no one help you, no one stay beside you.

but suddenly,

i remember that i have Allah.

He will always listen me, my sadness, my happiness, everything.
He will always stays beside me, when no one do the same. When everybody are busy with their world. But, Allah will always there for me. Sometimes i feel sad and guilty, because it feels like i've been far away from Him.

i know, this is my adolescence, my transition year, from a little kid, to a teenager. but it seems like, yesterday i'm just a little kid, have fought with my brother or my sister, caused by a toys or something unimportant.

i've woken up as i write this post. 

i have to put more efforts. i have to fight those little ghosts on my mind. i have to erase away my fears. and face the reality, and be fearless.

said the lovely T-Swizzle

as Tobias said, 
BE BRAVE
ciao! x  
  

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Well, this is my 'hi' to you.

I've made this blog since 2011. But i just have no idea what should i write here. Well, i'm not that type of person who can write something attractive easily. Hence i haven't posted anything since the day i made this blog.

But, there must be the reason why i made this blog. So yeah, i will try to post something irrelevant and useful for you guys! 


p.s.
i will post something after the whole exams are over (yep i'm a ninth grader) so yeah, just wait for me patiently.


the one that just got motivated,

R